How could two days one go from one extreme to the next? Sat was a day of fighting, arguing, crying, and things tossed out from me in so many different directions. My eyes did not stay dry during the day, and my neediness was at a height. Tried to bring mom to the rescue, but she had plans that night. I crashed them on her invite since she knew something was wrong. It was a simple movie night and dinner with my aunt. Although I initially wasn’t invited, they both knew something was wrong. Had dinner, watched movie, left home VERY early, came home passed out.
My sleep schedule was knocked out again, waking up at 5:00am in the morning, but started to do some stuff in the morning, Laundry, Cleaning, fixing my room. Was going to have a handy man come over to look at some beams, put some hooks in, teach me some helpful hints, and be a part of a bartering agreement, that was the evening portion of my Sunday. The morning portion was a paid photoshoot.
My weekend should have been different. I should have been at a party on sat, then leave from the party to go to the shoot. I feel like I let down so many people, I let down myself. However, going to that party in the fashion I was in last night would have created even more problems. I simply took myself out of the equation. Would have been easier for a few people to deal with anyway. I really feel like I let down my good friends. I probably would have let them down even more destroying the event.
Even my photoshoot, my mind was not there, but I got into it. Took myself a lot of talking, which worked out. The good thing about the photoshoot is that the sound quality gets completely muted out during production, and he edits his own sound. So it gave me an opportunity to talk about anything. I refused to use it as a therapy session, although there was so much I wanted to talka bout and share. Instead I did what I know best. How to entice, tease, and create that fantasy persona making dreams come true. In my head as I am doing this all I am thinking about is, how beautiful people are going to see me, how wonderful these shots are coming out. Each time I put my body in various poses that this is what people want to see. I used sexy comments, spoke about how this is a money making deal, I teased the photographer a little bit, and just kept the verbal part going. Until I found myself after about an hour and a half of shooting, found myself quiet, and zen like. Just laying in the bed, as I was moved in different positions, and I just finally detached myself. Then again, had a little help in the detaching portion.
Even describing the shoot it sounds so negative, but in retrospect, I do have to say there are hundreds of gorgeous shots. He took over 800 shots, and we did a few hours worth of film in clips. It felt so natural, so easy, such a good transition, and I am thinking to myself, is this the start of how I sell myself. I look at just a glimpse of some of the shots, I immediately had to post them up. Its beautiful. I really am beautiful and you can see it in the shots.
What the hell is going on in my mind. I woke up this morning from a very violent night. My kitties were not curled up on the bed like they normally are. My bed was completely a wreck, the sheets and blankets pulled off. I have a broken lamp, a spilled drink, and just a mess of a room, my hip once again is killing me. This is what I am fearing, my hip giving out. Every day, I get pain in my hip. I have to lose the weight, I think my body is breaking down. Next week after thanksgiving, I have my appointment to speak with a dr and nutritionalist. Have to get this going. This too can be seen as taking the easy way out. But it is also the beginning of going to a long series of dr visits. Get myself checked out..
Someone told me I am looking for short cuts. He is right. In order to fix myself I need hardwork, motivation, patience. The attitude is to do this on my own. Is it wrong to have help along the way? The only difference is I have always had help. There was always people to help me, and I either took it unappreciatively, or I ignored it. People have helped me, and I have continued to spiral down a path of distruction. Even talking to my therapist, she warned me that I am committing suicide. How fucked up must I be that a therapist gives up on a patient because she doesn’t want on her conscious her first patient to “commit suicide” but here is the thing. I don’t want to commit suicide and I don’t have the intentions to. Her response was that I am killing myself by the choices that I am making.
I said I wanted to go back to therapy. The answer I got shocked me. Instead of the validation and encouragement that I was so much seeking..I got the bashing that it is not going to work. And you know something…he Is right. I really don’t want to accept help, I have to do this on my own, and I have to be diligent about this and keep on working.
I read back on my journal from a year ago, and then a year before that. It’s a cycle. I feel like I am going through the same feelings, emotions, questions every year. I was this despressed and uhappy last year, and the year before. I could probably keep going back. But Its so painful how bad this gets.
To top it off, tomorrow is the anniversary to my fathers death. How can I break this cycle? How can I feel within the beauty, smiles, and love that I show on the outside. How can I really bring these two sides of me together?
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A Pebble In The Water 