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I have started new blogs, and realized never gave the new information.

If you really want to continue on my journey, this is where you find it……………………..

 

http://chainsoftheheart.wordpress.com/    <—Chains of the heart A slave journy

http://goreanthoughts.wordpress.com/   <–Gorean Thoughts-Through the opinion of a slave owned by a Gorean

Guilt

Its been months since I wrote. My life has been that busy, but I felt this was important to write.

I was cleaning my house today, purging a lot of stuff, and just getting rid of shit. I tend to be a hoarder, its not so bad as my family is much worst, but when i do get into this purging mode i do throw a lot of shit out.

I found something in my stash in which I saved, I will continue to save it but now i want to write about it. It was an assignement once given to me. Guilt has also been a deep driving issue that i had within. My former had me write out all the things I was guilty about to see how we can tackle them and prove it was all in my head, that there was nothing to be guilty about. This was done about 3 years ago. Now things in my life are different and changed…some of these items are shocking to even read them…but here is  a glimpse of my personal mindset on guilt…

 

Guilty-1.Repsonsibil for some reprehensible act 2. At fault : delinquent; culpable 3 prompted by or showing a sense of guilt

I am guilty of….

  • having sick sexual fantasies
  • lying to my former and never telling him about the men i was with until after the fact
  • doing what i can but it is never enough
  • leaving my former
  • not following through
  • being collared yet not truly giveing myself over-holding back
  • not doing what is asked of me
  • seeing my former hurt and suffering because of the actions i do with others
  • being attached in a relationship for such a long time yet not going anywhere
  • still having feelings desires and love for my former, yet filled with such anger of him
  • trying to pretend i  know something when i really dont so i dont appear to be stupid
  • watching porn and masturbating daily
  • enjoying sadistic activities and desiring to hurt for thrills
  • not having the confidence in myself
  • continuing to be a hermit and not going out and meeting people
  • living a sheltered hermit of a life
  • never having guest over my house
  • not staying in contact with friends
  • spending years in an online relationship
  • fighting with a lover before he died
  • not telling my family about my sexual fantasies
  • kicking a cripple boy down tot he ground as a kid
  • keeping so much from the people i love
  • giving up on everything i start
  • having desires and dreams but never following through with them
  • not having the confidence in myself to accept the managers position i was orginally interviewed for..
  • going into a rage and hurting my bf in a fit of anger
  • cutting a cross in my forarm but not deep enough that it healed
  • not being the girl i say i am
  • pushing my boyfriend into a fit of depression
  • not staying in touch with friend
  • smiling to someone one min and next secrtely cursing them out in my mind
  • not being there for my father during his final phase of his life
  • breaking it off with my former boyfriends girl
  • wanting to kill myself not crying about my fathers death, not showing remorse
  • procrastination
  • tuning or ignoring people completely
  • having sexual desires in church and becoming turned on when in a religious setting
  • stealing from the local deli as a kid
  • desiring to play with others
  • thriving on lowering my station
  • sitting on the fence
  • not finishing college
  • not respecting myself
  • binge eating
  • not getting ahead in my lfie
  • not having the vocabulary or intelligence expected of me
  • not pursuing my writing, poetry or journaling
  • not having the strength and will power to lose weight
  • not paying my bills and struggling to live
  • living above my financial means
  • falling in love with the wrong type of individuals
  • putting myself down
  • making assumptions
  • saying things without thinking them through

I wrote that a little over 3 years ago. Many of those things I have completely changed..many of those I continue to do and feel guilty about. Change always comes, change is inevitable…all I see is what a different person I am. I am filled with guilt..but I remember doing this assignment then, I was a huddled crying heap and viewed how worthless I was. Now things are so different. I still have issues I need to get over, but its amazing how this bit of history was locked away in the stuff that piled up……

 

 

I have one wish for Christmas, every year I hope and hope and hope, I came close one year, but in retrospect, it was a false sense of Christmas. My Christmas wish is to share it with the man that I love, the partner I am with, and the love of my life. Sure that sounds sentimental or foolish dreams, but imagine going through partner after partner and because of me being either the secret relationship, or worst yet, the embarrassment to my lover’s lives, I never get to share Christmas time with those whom I love that are not family.

So Christmas for me is spent with my family. I love them dearly, and on an annual or even daily basis, I come on out to spend time with them. Love them, because the times with them is not only all that I have, but they make wonderful  memories.

I was talking to someone last night lamenting how no one went to the hospital this year, and that overall this was a comical Christmas. He asked why do I do it…and this is someone who specifically didn’t go to see his mother or father on Christmas because he overslept. How heart breaking, why do I do it, because with all the craziness my family gives me, they will always be on my side no matter what.

No matter how I change, the moods I am in, the happy times, the sad time, and the crazy times..they are there for me. For that, I will always be with my family. They never gave up on me, no matter how many times I have on them. Family is a very odd thing.

Last night, I have to say was one of the craziest, fun Christmases ever. It probably was also one of the toughest Christmases for all of us, but surprisingly there were presents under the tree. I was shocked when I went over. I even said to my mom..where the hell did all these presents come from. She just shrugged her shoulders and said merry Christmas.  I had to think what sacrifices had to be made, what bills weren’t paid in order for this to happen. I brought them nothing. My gift to them is christmas dinner which is going to be shared with tonight.

In fact Christmas dinner was the secret dinner for me last week, in which I went all out making my ham, and other goodies. It was the first time that I can say that I cooked a dinner for someone I cared for. I got a santa hat, a bouquet of flowers which my cat found to be eating, and a pumpkin pie…..and possibly the final acceptance of moving on and leaving. A confirmation that my delusional love life can never be.  I hate that I always fall for the ones I can never have.

Last night my family and I  ate, we had fun, we partyed…Between dogs attacking from demonic exorcisms, pussy hats, pasta sauce, socks, micheal Jackson, and I think the funniest question was trying to explain what hannukah was and my grandma thinking we were jewish at one point..I do have to say..I love my family.

So in honor of my family, as well as my personal Christmas present that I bought for myself a few weeks ago here is the youtube clips of my family, and the crazy night last night.

Merry Christmas Everyone!  These are memories and celebrations too good for words!

I started commenting on a friends blog. I stopped.

Then I started to compose an email. I stopped

 

Now I am sticking it here. Might as well keep it completely anonymous. If my friend reads it, it happens, if not, at least I got my opinion out there…who cares if it is anonymous or not…but this is my form of venting..

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I was going to comment on your blog, but you know something..I will save you the public heartbreak and embarassment, as your blog is a happy place..

I probably have no right to even comment on this, but on one end I am happy as hell that you are finally getting your ass out there.

On the other end, I am quite upset, disappointed, and its just another thing to add to the emotionalism of the holiday season for me.
I have been trying for years to get you out. I have encouraged you since the very first time I answered your ad, and went out with you, yes I have been a god awful friend because you no longer needed me. You found your  blog, your friends, people to accept you when you are at your height, but the very first time i got  to sit in the restaurant and say you go girl, those are memories that I will cherish all my life. and the few times i was able to enjoy you, even though you focused so much more on me and helped me..you were too good of a friend to me…and it broke my heart that you viewed our friendship as nothing more then me appeasing you. Did you ever consider the things you have done for me?? I accepted you because I knew that was what you want, that was who you were deep down inside but didnt know it..but did you ever think that was what I wanted to. To watch you, blossom grow and now she really is the girl she always wanted to be…and it was all through you.

I might not have cultivated our friendship and totally let it go…but I resent the fact that this is you say this is the closest you ever came.

The closest you ever came was the complete refusal by you, afraid to take the leap, and get out there..afraid that people would mock and judge you instead of embracing the fact that there were people who would totally love and accept you, and cherish you as the girl you are. You turned your back out of fear from those people…most of all..you refused me..constantly. Every chance i wanted to was a complete refusal…
Now I am so happy that you are finally getting out there. I am thrilled that you are finding yourself, I am truly happy for you.It took the validation from people around the world, hundreds of people who you have never met, will probably never met, instead of those people who stared you in the face.

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My friend may or may not see this. I dont have the balls to send it out. But it has me considering the concept of validation. Why do we trust the opinions of people who we have no control over, no connection with, people who mean nothing to us, I know i do it. I add so much weight to people who mean nothing to me. Yet the people who are close to my life its not enough.

I am trying so hard to get the validation of one individual, and it is so fucking upsetting that when i think i earned his validation i am shot down because i really think he is trying to teach me not to rely on anyone but myself. I rely so much on others. But the other people will not always be there for me. I guess i truly am alone on so many things…………………….

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Last night was another night of horrid dreams.  I am giving up and cant stay like this. I really cant do this any more. I need to get help.

My sleep patterns are disrupted, i am not getting the proper sleep, I am not doing what i need to do and not functioning.

 

Count down for myself or for another.

 

Next week I am supposed to have a special dinner party. Part of me is betting this party is going to fail, flunk, and not happen. In the back of my mind I have already accepted that, because if it does happen, at least when I cry my eyes out it wont be an unexpected loss.

At the same time, I am giving so much weight to this party. It’s the first time that I am really having “guest” over other then my family. This particular guest I feel like I need to prove so much to, but the sad thing is I know that because I am looking for validation from him I am going to be shot down. Maybe that is what he is teaching me is that I should rely on no one but myself. That each time he shoots me down and any accomplishments I even begin to show its all back on me. I think the most  powerful thing I ever said was “I am improving” and it was retorted with, “this is what you should have been doing on your own all along, not with the help of another” (shot down)  …I say it again..I am improving. At a snails pace, but I am doing so, even if it was supposed to be things in life i should have been doing. But never had a reason to do it, now I am finding the reason, purpose, and motivation to do the basic things i should be doing. For that..there should be some sort of pat on the back

Tonight my mother is coming along to help me put up the tree, and help me with odds and ends around my house. This is a good bonding time for the both of us to. She knows I am slipping in a depression, and when I get in these moods she worries about me. I don’t understand why everyone worries about me to the extreme. I may have some downward trends but I am not suicidal. I do not plan on killing myself.

She is terrorfied of the stories she hears of my misadventures and how dangerous it is out there. The fact that I am meeting people off line, doing certain acts,  going to hotels. Yep I know I preach about safety nets, and security, yet it is me who doesn’t follow my own advice. Way back when I would completely advocate it. Right now, instinct, gut, and common sense come in. I don’t meet clients unless they are screen first..and usually I have a good sense of dangerous vs non dangerous…At least I think…Plus in the interview process I always find out the weak points….If I am in danger I focus on that we area…I am not afraid to bust someone in the kneecap if I have to. She worries I am going to be one of those next victimes at Gilgo beach, and that she is going to answer the door to the police telling her that I am dead. It makes me wonder how my obituary would read. The shocker of the secret life of an innocent conservative banker.

Anyway, I am busily trying to get things in order, clean, get my space prepared for my business, and putting up a tree. How funny, I got a tree with no decorations. I think when I go on my break at work I will pick up some holiday decorations..and of course a little music, some hot chocolate, a tree, and most of all time with my mom…(now if she brings the rest of the family..will probably go nutso..but mom alone is cool…with everyone else..sighs)

Aside from that, I now live in a present. My landlord decorated the house. I never lived in a house that was decorated as such,and I was shocked and almost cried when I came home. Its like living in a happy bright present. It was raining last night and to see the lights sparkle against each and every one of the drops, accentuating its beaming light. It was pretty. Yep, not afraid to say that I cried, I now live in a present.

There were 3 instances recently in which my good will natured has been considered greedy, self centered, and bitchy.  It breaks my heart to the point that I am in tears, and I have to just lock myself in my own little world and say I am doing the right thing, I am doing the right thing..even if the world is against me, I am doing it for myself. To add to this, these 3 incidents came from completely separate units of my life. It was as if the 3 sides that are different all came together with the same opinion, and none of them are related in any way.

This time of year emotions are at a height, and depression is looming in the air. Its not the best time for me at all and a flood gate of thoughts run through my head.  For now it is the recent opinions about my generosity. It really hurts.

Every year I bring together my team at work to adopt children for the Salvation army Angel tree. This is our 4th year doing it and I am really close with the local chapter. This is something we work closely with in facilitating this program.  4 years ago we started with 15 kids, now we are up to 50 children. Its wonderful that we can adopt 50 kids this holiday season.

Anyway, you may ask why do I do this. Why do I donate my time, my money, my presents and try to get people who want to give to give..There are so many reasons but I want to share with you my perspective.

When I was younger my mom always struggled to keep food on the table, pay the bills, keep the family together, and support not only herself and me as a single mom, but my grandma, and aunt.  There were bouts of my aunt between being in serious car accidents through the years where she was in commas, to being on unemployment and working the system just so she can be on the unemployment loop.

Christmas had some wonderful memories, and lots of presents, but at the same time, growing up also had a lot of struggling too. I had no brothers or sisters, sharing toys was unheard of. I had so few friends, and I was not social at all. My mother struggled to make sure that every Christmas I got what I wanted, but there were times were we had to struggle.

Government assisted us in food, and frequently they would bring home welfare food, and those humongos block of cheeses. I think that is why I have a repulsion to swiss cheese.We were poor, we are still poor, and I know what it is like to go through a Christmas having nothing. In fact it still happens.

To be a child especially at school where all the kids tell stories of what santa clause got you, and coming in with the new toys, and excitement, from a person who lives through the eyes of another that is wonderful and all smiles, from the kid like me who did not get a Christmas it can be devastating.

I know I can’t save the world from this, but for this Christmas, I have helped in organizing at least 50 kids who don’t have to be in that boat saying that “I didn’t get anything for Christmas”

It breaks my heart. Because All I want is everyone, including myself most of all to be happy during this time. Its not easy when there is so much I am sad about, so much I am at a loss for. So if I get these rare opportunities to do something for another, let me at least thrive on it and enjoy it. Because I am not helping myself, If I can’t help another..then what use is it for me.  I know I am supposed to be the most important person in my life, but sometimes, I want to take care of others too..even if it is complete strangers who go by nothing more then an angel tag with a number.

Christmas is just a time of hardship, but it is a time I want to be happy. This Christmas my mother took her last penny to take us to foxwoods. It was actually relatively cheap, but she gave all of us $100 to play some game and bingo. I am so grateful that not only she won a few hundred to take home, so did I  but in retrospect, I didn’t want to go to foxwoods at all. There was so many things that I “needed” as opposed to wanted…Christmas is that desparate times to get things I need …every year my Christmas list is pathetic necessities rather then “wants” this year I was upset because I knew with the trip to foxwoods there would absolutely get nothing. And even now..after the trip..there is still not going to be a Christmas..but that is ok.

I guess it is hitting me a little stronger, because the girls at work have been reminiscing about favorite Christmas stories within their own life, and I have nothing but forgotten gaps.

Today at work one of my coworkers out of no where gave me her Christmas tree. Turns out she has an extra tree and knew that I don’t have a tree. The tree I had last year was destroyed in the flood, and when they were all talking about putting up their trees and decorated, I got a little quiet. I wasn’t planning on putting a tree up, particularly since there will never be presents underneath the tree. The tree with the presents are the ones that I manage to get donations from the generosity of others, and I make the donation to the salvation army. When they do the pick up and distribution I must admit it is a sad emotional time for me. I cry with joy as all the presents fill up the truck they bring…it’s a beautiful thing.

I know this is totally depressing, but I guess the fact is..I am doing something to make children smile, and to at least for the kids I influence will not have a sad lonely empty Christmas.

I on the other hand will. I find it amazing that every single lover I ever had hated Christmas. They were lonely single men that did not appreciate or enjoy Christmas.   This happened to be the first year that I do not have a date to the holiday party. Then again..there is no holiday party. Our holiday party was cancelled due to the takeover going on.

No Christmas party at work, Christmas at home was spent at foxwoods, no lover to hold and share it with,  the constant reminder of my father getting his stroke on Christmas just  falling down  to the floor. The memory of myself going into a gall bladder attack on Christmas, the memory of my aunt being in a coma on Christmas, all these memories all this amount of suffering…and now once again..no one to share it with.

I want to say I hate this holiday, but I am always so happy, giving. I give to try to expect little or if anything in return. It’s the act of giving which makes it good and that is all I want to do.

So for those who think I am a greedy selfish bitch I want to give you a big fucking middle finger, and try to say walk in my shoes for a change…

In one day my blog hits went from 400, to over 2000 hits. Simply by the addition of one post the memory of Jeniviva Mia.

Tomorrow happens to be the anniversary of my fathers death.  With each passing, I see how fragile life is, yet at the same time how neglected I lead my life. I have the power to make this life what I want it to be my controlling those controllable forces. But instead I tend to worry and harp over those uncontrollable things. Those issues that I can not do anything about. Death is one of them. I can probably prolong it in a sensible matter by eating healthy, dieting, exercising and giving myself a higher statistic, or I can go by the faith that it is going to happen anyway so it doesn’t matter how I live my life.

I have been very in a very depressed and downward state. Clutching so hard to think about something to knock this out of me. Thoughts of friends, loved ones, and happiness fills my mind, yet when I look around and see that it is not necessarily here..it brings me down.

Why is it every time this year this happens. Every year I go through this, and each year it is getting worst and worst.  I could probably say that I will just get through this and everything will be better.

Some quotes for today….random things said to me that had an impact

“You cave in and give in, how can you let everyone walk all over you?”

(while on the phone) “Forgive me if you hear that vibrator, that is my pussy-Ummmm… that didn’t sound right did it? The vibration you hear is my pussy cat purring”

“You are not his property. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t”

“Just discipline, hard work, self control and patience”

“I can take all that life has got to give if I got someone to share it with. I got love and love is all you really need”

“When people treat you like shit and you return..that reinforces that you are willing to be treated like shit”

“Don’t try to mask out the larger forest by pointing to a tiny tree”

“Life is too short to do boring things with groups. I’d rather enjoy doing what I like alone, over something I’d rather not do in groups.”