Random thoughts, clutching onto memories, controlling things

In one day my blog hits went from 400, to over 2000 hits. Simply by the addition of one post the memory of Jeniviva Mia.

Tomorrow happens to be the anniversary of my fathers death.  With each passing, I see how fragile life is, yet at the same time how neglected I lead my life. I have the power to make this life what I want it to be my controlling those controllable forces. But instead I tend to worry and harp over those uncontrollable things. Those issues that I can not do anything about. Death is one of them. I can probably prolong it in a sensible matter by eating healthy, dieting, exercising and giving myself a higher statistic, or I can go by the faith that it is going to happen anyway so it doesn’t matter how I live my life.

I have been very in a very depressed and downward state. Clutching so hard to think about something to knock this out of me. Thoughts of friends, loved ones, and happiness fills my mind, yet when I look around and see that it is not necessarily here..it brings me down.

Why is it every time this year this happens. Every year I go through this, and each year it is getting worst and worst.  I could probably say that I will just get through this and everything will be better.

Some quotes for today….random things said to me that had an impact

“You cave in and give in, how can you let everyone walk all over you?”

(while on the phone) “Forgive me if you hear that vibrator, that is my pussy-Ummmm… that didn’t sound right did it? The vibration you hear is my pussy cat purring”

“You are not his property. If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t”

“Just discipline, hard work, self control and patience”

“I can take all that life has got to give if I got someone to share it with. I got love and love is all you really need”

“When people treat you like shit and you return..that reinforces that you are willing to be treated like shit”

“Don’t try to mask out the larger forest by pointing to a tiny tree”

“Life is too short to do boring things with groups. I’d rather enjoy doing what I like alone, over something I’d rather not do in groups.”

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Two days, two Opposite

How could two days one go from one extreme to the next? Sat was a day of fighting, arguing, crying, and things tossed out from me in so many different directions. My eyes did not stay dry during the day, and my neediness was at a height. Tried to bring mom to the rescue, but she had plans that night.  I crashed them on her invite since she knew something was wrong. It was a simple movie night and dinner with my aunt. Although I initially wasn’t invited, they both knew something was wrong. Had dinner, watched movie, left home VERY early, came home passed out.

My sleep schedule was knocked out again, waking up at 5:00am in the morning, but started to do some stuff in the morning, Laundry, Cleaning, fixing my room. Was going to have a handy man come over to look at some beams, put some hooks in, teach me some helpful hints, and be a part of a bartering agreement, that was the evening portion of my Sunday. The morning portion was a paid photoshoot.

My weekend should have been different. I should have been at a party on sat, then leave from the party to go to the shoot. I feel like I let down so many people, I let down myself. However, going to that party in the fashion I was  in last night would have created even more problems. I simply took myself out of the equation. Would have been easier for a few people to deal with anyway.  I really feel like I let down my good friends. I probably would have let them down even more destroying the event.

Even my photoshoot, my mind was not there, but I got into it. Took myself a lot of talking, which worked out. The good thing about the photoshoot is that the sound quality gets completely muted out during production, and he edits his own sound. So it gave me an opportunity to talk about anything. I refused to use it as a therapy session, although there was so much I wanted to talka bout and share. Instead I did what I know best. How to entice, tease, and create that fantasy persona making dreams come true. In my head as I am doing this all I am thinking about is, how beautiful people are going to see me, how wonderful these shots are coming out. Each time I put my body in various poses that this is what people want to see.   I used sexy comments, spoke about how this is a money making deal, I teased the photographer a little bit, and just kept the verbal part going. Until I found myself after about an hour and a half of shooting, found myself quiet, and zen like. Just laying in the bed, as I was moved in different positions, and I just finally detached myself. Then again, had a little help in the detaching portion.

Even describing the shoot it sounds so negative, but in retrospect, I do have to say there are hundreds of gorgeous shots. He took over 800 shots, and we did a few hours worth of film in clips. It felt so natural, so easy, such a good transition, and I am thinking to myself, is this the start of how I sell myself.  I look at just a glimpse of some of the shots, I immediately had to post them up. Its beautiful. I really am beautiful and you can see it in the shots.

What the hell is going on in my mind. I woke up this morning from a very violent night. My kitties were not curled up on the bed like they normally are. My bed was completely a wreck, the sheets and blankets pulled off. I have a broken lamp, a spilled drink, and just a mess of a room, my hip once again is killing me. This is what I am fearing, my hip giving out. Every day, I get pain in my hip. I have to lose the weight, I think my body is breaking down.  Next week after thanksgiving, I have my appointment to speak with a dr and nutritionalist. Have to get this going. This too can be seen as taking the easy way out. But it is also the beginning of going to a long series of dr visits. Get myself checked out..

Someone told me I am looking for short cuts. He is right. In order to fix myself I need hardwork, motivation, patience. The attitude is to do this on my own.  Is it wrong to have help along the way? The only difference is I have always had help. There was always people to help me, and I either took it unappreciatively, or I ignored it. People have helped me, and I have continued to spiral down a path of distruction. Even talking to my therapist, she warned me that I am committing suicide. How fucked up must I be that a therapist gives up on a patient because she doesn’t want on her conscious her first patient to “commit suicide” but here is the thing. I don’t want to commit suicide and I don’t have the intentions to. Her response was that I am killing myself by the choices that I am making.

I said I wanted to go back to therapy. The answer I got shocked me. Instead of the validation and encouragement that I was so much seeking..I got the bashing that it is not going to work. And you know something…he Is right. I really don’t want to accept help, I have to do this on my own, and I have to be diligent about this and keep on working.

I read back on my journal from a year ago, and then a year before that.  It’s a cycle. I feel like I am going through the same feelings, emotions, questions every year. I was this despressed and uhappy last year, and the year before. I could probably keep going back. But Its so painful how bad this gets.

To top it off, tomorrow is the anniversary to my fathers death.  How can I break this cycle? How can I feel within the beauty, smiles, and love that I show on the outside. How can I really bring these two sides of me together?

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Remembering an Amazing Dancer- Jeniviva Mia

Jenivia Mia tragically taken away by an auto accident.

Although I barely knew her, she has had an amazing mix of tribal, middle eastern, belly dancing mixed with her unique style and grace.  My condolences to her friends and family.

My Favorite Video featuring Linkin Park!

A classic Flapper Routine

A tribute in you tube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-RCyP0He5E

 

THEATRICAL FUSION BELLYDANCE ARTIST
Teacher, Writer, Creator, Conjurer of all things Magickal and Lovely.
♥
One of the East Coast Pioneers of the Gothic Bellydance Movement. Director & Choreographer for The Mystical Hips Theatrical Fusion Bellydance Tribe.
Check us all out: http://www.mysticalhips.com/
Deep roots in Turkish Cabaret, Tribal Fusion and Spanish-Arabic Fusion Bellydance, as well as Method Acting.

http://www.facebook.com/jenivivabellydance?sk=info

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Action plan

I am creating a plan of action for myself. This is something that needs to be done every now and then, but in my case should be things I have been doing since the beginning. I am setting a plan for myself. If I am going to do this, I have to do this

1-My first step on Monday is crack open my insurance book and find a therapist. FAST. I need to find someone to talk to, someone to discuss things to, to try to cope and focus on. I am at the point where I know I need help, I have hit bottom, and what hasn’t been fair to those who care about me in my life is that I am clutching on to them to try to fix me, when all I need to do is fix myself

2-I need to start focusing on my health. Eating right, getting rid of shit, eating healthier, staying away from sweets, Stopping the emotional eating, stopping those binges that I go through. ENOUGH. Its about me trying to keep myself healthy and in shape. I am too young to be the way I am

3-Continue focusing on earning money. Don’t let the frustration get to me. Take each rejection or failure as a lesson to improve for the future. Sadly it is an error with the people now, but it will build the skills needed for later.

4-Take a step back just a little bit and get my self well. I know I am at a gung ho at all angels even at my job, my family and life, and I just need to focus on myself. The problem is I just hope I can fix some of the damage that I have even done

5-I need to start prioritizing things in my life, and focus on those things. I should focus on the things that I can control. And start working on the controllable forces in my life.

Small baby steps, that is what I need to take, and I just need to continue to move forward. Even if certain people are not going to be in my life. I can’t keep clutching on to others to fix me, and to control me, I have to have focus and control on myself.

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The story of the Pretzal Rod

Certain moments in life are catalytic. They are memories that are just so profound that just the thought of them trigger a whole mess of inner turmoil, and having to remember and relive them are terrible. In some cases this can be prompted by abuse, humiliation, trauma. It can be simple or great. The point is that when a catalytic moment happens in the life..its a moment that is unique to that one individual. Other people do not necessarily share that moment or have it.
I found myself telling a story. I know I didn’t tell it correctly because I left out so many details, and why it was so profound. The worst part is in telling the story I got such an odd “I don’t care attitude” along with the switching of the topic immediately that it made me feel that sharing a story, or confronting my past does help at all.

I want to share a story. Just to get it out. For me it is a story that had such significance, for others it means nothing. In sharing this story it is showing how much I really need to confront my demons from the past, as well as how I really do block out a lot.  Its also a means of the first step into therapy.

I remember going to school one time not having lunch. Part of it was lack of money, part of it was irresponsibility, but I found myself going to school one day without lunch. I was horribly bullied, picked on and teased at school  and this time was even worst. It was a time where our school was closed down due to an asbestos problem and required combining schools for a year. They had to ship us off and cram us into different schools. I was teased horribly. So I remember being in the lunch room, hungry, watching everyone eating.  I was too proud to ask for food, and was too ashamed to admit that I was hungry. Most of all because even as a kid I was obese. The idea of the fat kid going up to someone and asking for food, when I didn’t have breakfast and lunch and I watched everyone eating. I had no friends, I was alone staring into space at the lunch tables.

So a gesture happened which made me smile. A group of boys came over and offered me his half eaten pretzel rod. These were a treat at the school. Crunchy, long, and a little bit of salt. I was so greatful, and asked why would you offer this, they just snickered and said for me to enjoy . Right there I should have had the warning, so I bit into it slightly odd taste.  Another boy came over looking concerned and said, you shouldn’t eat that, they peed in it. Yeah right I thought and bit into it again and a flood of liquid came out. It was so disgusting, and I was left with a group of boys laughing, pointing, at me. I walked away and cried, going to the bath room, and starting to rinse my mouth out, and not face the pain.

Painfully I can say this is my first experience in watersports, but It forever made me freak out about pretzel rods. Regular pretals don’t bother me the moment it is a pretzel rod I freak out.

Why am I telling this story, because the other day I found myself with someone ordering me a pretzel rod and saying how he loves these things. Immediately I am watching him eating it and I was getting disgusted. I told him to remind me to tell him about that story because I knew I was going to forget.  I told him the story..I didn’t tell him all the details..and he just looked at me like I was nuts. I have nothing to blame but myself for having issues, and no one to blame..but I found myself taking those pretzel rods and shoving them down a gay mans throat and ordering him to suck them as if it was a cock

I was so angry, I was disgusted. Another guy shoved about 6 pretzal rods in the guys mouth, and told him to hold it there. I was watching this..and said…If you do that you are going to drool. He didn’t care, he sort of liked that. And within a min…Drool dripped to the floor. UGgggggghhh…I yanked the rods out of his mouth, and went over to toss them out. Even touching them…I was hoping to get past my fear, to get past my disgust, to come to terms with that little bit of catalytic moment in my life. The boy just put his face to the floor and licked up his drool.

All I said to myself is I am not dominant. But my actions said other wise. I am saying I am not dominant but all I am doing is dominating. I am doing the very thing action wise that my mouth is saying not to do. I can’t figure out why and I don’t know what to do..but I am saying one thing..and doing the complete opposite. This has been happening in a lot of things in my life.

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Ramble Jumbling

I was given a challenge last night. To pick one word to describe myself. I picked that word. The word I picked was complicated. I see myself as complicated. I see the people I am involved in, the diversity of things I do, the challenges that I personally face. For me Life is complicated, it is not black or white, and there are so many things that make it continue. I see myself as complicated because while I make things so simple at times, the swirl that is going on inside my head is all over the place.

I was with someone whom I respect and admire. There was a disagreement with me being complicated. So I prepared myself for the worst. What word would you describe me as…I wasn’t expecting what he said. The truth is, he is right, the sad truth is, out of all the words to describe me that is how he sees me. For me it is negative, it screams of the very things that I used to get thrown in my face. The fact that I am Stupid, the fact that I am fat, the fact that I am not educated, the fact that I don’t get it…his word that he describes me is “unfocused”

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I am really trying to do a lot of stuff that people are telling me to do. I am taking in advice from so many different directions, and moving at a snail pace, but change is happening. I am changing, I am doing new things, I am actually starting to succeed with the advice for others..but it goes back to the defeat that it is never good enough. People immediately want to judge your life and expect changes and results to suit them, this way they can feel all good about themselves and then rub it in your face with a “see I told you so if you would just listen to me attitude” I have been getting that for years constantly listening to what others want to direct my life, and because I move a little too slow, its never good enough.

I am stubborn. I know why I am stubborn, because I can’t even define myself. I defined myself as complicated. For me Life is complicated…and even my own opinion of myself is wrong.

Right now there is so many things I am focusing on. I am focusing on the advancement of my career both on a professional and non professional level within the community. I am focusing on responsibilities and chores that are needed to do on the home front. I am focusing on so many things, yes it is all over the place, but I have focuses and priorities, but I feel like because these priorities are not matching what others feel, then I am once again open to judgements time and time again.

I invite drama in my life. I want to learn how to be unseen.  Yet the only time I was that was when I was owned. When I really had something to focus on, I was unseen.  Now I do not have that focus..which he is right..I am “unfocused”

When I was trying to guess what word he would use for me..i said “fragile”, “sensitive” emotional…nope..unfocused.

I can easily become invisible to the world. It would probably make my life so easy. All I have to do is pull away. Pull back, get away from the drama, hide, walk away.   This is the very thing that people in the scene do all the time, they walk away. How can I walk away from something that is so part of me. But here is the issue, as of right now, its not part of me. I am clutching on to a concept aching for it to happen, aching for it to be true, wanting so badly.  Along the way I stumble into these oddball encounters and aquaintences just for the fact I want to feel something…anything.

I was told I am a bottom feeder, I thought it was so interesting I started calling myself that. I scrape the bottom of the barrel of people just to get something. Lowering my standards completely. That is why some of my clientel are creepy ass people and I put that false smile on and make their dreams come true.

Every time I see a certain someone, it’s the best of times, as well as the worst of times. I want so badly something from it, he doest not want the same thing. It kills me that two people can want two very different things. I sometimes wonder if it is lifes cruel trick for the thing I want and need most, is the thing I can’t have…

I am so hurt I am told to get therapy, I am told to seek help. I already have a list of various doctors that I am going to become in contact with, as I am starting procedures to save my life.

Why do I feel like even when I am happy, people just don’t allow me to be happy.  There are times when I am smiling, happy and enjoying myself. Then I always, ALWAYS, have to have someone come up to me in any shape or form or any various means and just have to take that golf club and smack me in the face and once again the little bit of smiles I have..be it false or not, is once again shattered in tears.

I should be proud of myself. I had one hell of a cry the other day, enough to give me an asthma attack, a migraine, and have me a wreck for quite some time. That amount of pent up energy being released was probably good, but with allt he after effects, shows that there is still so much within building up.

How scary it once again is. I haven’t had an asthma attack in 25 years or so, and I had it during the middle of a crying session. Thank god 2 things happened..my shower produces steam immediately, and that I have an inhaler. Shit I need to go to the doctor..I have to stop being so stubborn about this…

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Happy Kitties, Sick Girl, Converting a room

I finally have a cat. Patience after about 4 months of having him finally curls up next to me, allows me to pet him and just loves me. I still have my other cat bijou who is a complete attention whore, just like me. But the two of them have made my life smile. Its very comforting to snuggle up against them, particular in times of need. I was sick most of the week and wanted to kill them for not leaving me alone when a lot of times I needed to rest, but they provide such good comfort.

 

I recently made them happy. I bought myself a space heater. It has been getting chilly, and I didn’t realize that this apartment would be getting this cold. I am the type that likes it extremely warm and toasty in a room. I like it very warm, especially since most of the time I am walking around my apartment naked. Being so sick recently and having the temperature drop I haven’t had the luxury. They are in kitty heaven.  I keep the space heater at the end of my bed, on a shelf that basically pulls the warmth in from all over the place and blows directly on my bed. It is one of those fancy vortex tornado ones that is quite powerful. The kitties are really happy and just feeling the warmth not only from the heater, but from being pressed up against me too. We are all a cute snuggle party on the bed

 

I think I am going to have to purchase one for each room that’s how nippy it is getting. It can be one of my items of the pay week that I get. One at a time. I have to start seriously budgeting my money.  Its getting to the point where I am still having some major issues.

The new job that I currently have been delving into has been helping. Doing a little work on the side and taking clients here and there has helped, but still I need to focus on a steady means of income. The best bet may be to delve into the video clips. The ones that I have on the site right now have not been doing anything.

 

So I am in the process of converting a room. It requires a lot of work, and right now I literally destroyed my house in order to get something done. Today I wanted so badly to get some work done, but I got a call for a paying client in the city! Cool. So my Sunday which happens to be gorgeous is going to be spent in NYC, with the company of a client. How fun! I have so many ideas for this room. I need to paint, add some hardware to it, furish it. I want to get some pretty curtains, and set up my entertainment center in their. I figure having music, video feed, and entertainment can provide some interesting distractions for what my ultimate plan for this room will be.

 

As far as being sick. I had an incredible massage last night, along with time spent in a steam room, sauna, and just breath in the heat. I made sure that I had a lot of codein in me in order to prevent the coughing fits. It wasn’t until after my massage that the coughing started but the therapist said this was a good thing. I know this weekend I should be sleeping, but had so much to do, and I am finally feeling better. I am not contagious, but so many people are treating me as such. You have to remember this was a rebound of a previous infection, one that I got slammed double wammy.  My immune system is low, that’s one of the reasons I missed some events this week. Then again I did go to other things.

But I know, people should stay away from me.

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Another Day Sick-Missed Halloween

It was supposed to be Halloween. I said I would wake up and go to work. Well I woke up at 5:30 in the morning. My alarm was blaring away and as soon as I stood up to go walk to the dresser to shut it off, I stumbled with horrible vertigo. Getting up slowly I realized that my body did not want to move and the wave of nausea hit me. I shut my alarm clock off, and almost wanted to cry. Nope..there was no way I was to be going to work. I was supposed to be in training at the new bank. This wasn’t going to happen.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, and trying to get a hold of myself, focusing on the wave of nauseua along with my garbage pail in hand, I made a wonderful homage to the plastic receptical, spewing up whatever chicken soupy goodness that lingered within my belly, and feeling the wave of sweat, shivery cold. Nope was not going to work.

The pain in my back, the headache, the overall feeling of sick and the coughing mess, it was time to call out. So I called the new bank, and left a message with my boss, and wrote an email to HR that I was not going in. I couldn’t even talk anyway and I passed out and went to sleep. I slept most of the day away. Needed it, but that was my last day off from work.

Went to work today. Bad idea. I brought medicine, but said I wouldn’t take it unless I felt the need to since it was going to make me loopy. By 12:30 I was hacking up a lung and needed to take it. The worst part was since the moment I walked in I could not stop shaking. My hands quivered like I had Parkinson, and I was just overall week. My skin was white as a ghost, and I was not well. I should not have been to work.

I am not the only one sick. My whole staff is suffering from some of the same symptoms I am having. The only difference is they are all complaining about the ears. Not the ears with me. It’s the chest and throat. Coughing. I am not even nasally at all. I have it all in my chest, a very dry hoarse cough.

I just wanted to stop shaking. That’s all. Stop the vertigo, stop the shaking, stop the dizzy weakness.
I missed my meeting tonight. I don’t like missing meetings, especially since this was a ritualistic classic practice that I would have enjoyed seeing. Not my thing, but still the education would have been well worth it. But my health is more important then anything else.
For now I am catching up on sleeping. I am getting the relaxation I need. I am catching up on sleep

 

I missed Halloween. My favorite holiday of the year. Missed the parties, the parades, going out, I missed so many of my friends, It was sad. The only thing that brought a smile, was my boy who brought me soup. He was so good to me. Brought me soup, cookies, a sandwhich and a bagel…

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